Last post of 2012

The year is closing to an end. It did not go as had thought it would. Time never fails to surprise. I had hoped certain things to go better, which they didn’t and what I hadn’t expected were the few moments of bliss.  I’ll try harder not to expect much from 2013.
As at the end of every year, i reflect back to the last 12 months and things i learnt about myself, people, world, life.

•  The moments we cherish later in life are mostly those that had taken us by surprise.
• In order to find happiness I’ve learnt that we need to be away from things that make us unhappy. Like certain people, certain expectations.
•  Another thing I learnt is to always be thankful for what we have got, even the smallest of things. You just can’t expect everything to be just the way it has always been. Life comes with changes and without any instruction manual to keep up with it. So what we have today might not remain one day. Cherish it.
• Do not judge yourself from anyone else’s eyes. You are the best judge of yourself. Do not beat yourself over with what somebody else thinks of you. People lead imperfect lives themselves and often their views are distorted, especially of introverts like me. Look for inspiration everywhere and you’ll find nice people too.
• Mind control – nothing is impossible if you have control over your mind your thoughts. Your life comes into your own hands and you feel the presence of god inside and around yourself.
• The most dangerous opponent in life is fear.
• Never let go of hope. Even in the worst of times.

Locked out

I know many a people who faced incidents like being locked out of the house or leaving keys in the car etc. i know that feeling. it's maddening. Once, i locked my keys by mistake in my scooty. i had whacked my head several times on that occasion. But even then i had a solution at hand: my backup key at home!

Now the situation i'm facing is ridiculous and sapping-my-spirits kind of despairing. i am somehow locked out of my social networks.

i've been able to access gmail and this blog after a lot of hardwork and brain wracking. but facebook, twitter, tumblr: i just can't access the sites that are the reason for me to use internet. With final exams at hand i can't even give time to the problem. And yeah, exams pose a whole different problem together. I used to think Optical fiber communications was an easy subject. what a fool i was. 

I have so many problems AND I CAN'T EVEN RANT ABOUT IT ON TWITTER!!!

i should go lie down now.

Heist Society

Heist Society by Ally Carter
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

i'm so glad i read this. i crave for thrillers like these. reading it was like savoring an expertly made dish in which no spice, no ingredient was either too much or slightly lacking but in perfect measure for a great taste. even though i'm going through crappy days, this one gave me enough distraction from the real world to survive.


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General update

i feel bad every time i go over a month without updating the blog. October; what a month is was! not at all what i expected (and NOT in a good way). there were largely moments of moroseness, reflections, and  occasional panic attacks thrown in to make my life more miserable than it usually is.
so, these are the updates (i've tried to think of as many happy ones as possible).

• I finally finished reading 'Atlas Shrugged'. Boy, that John Galt speech was long! The characters, the system, and the world portrayed in the seems to resemble the real world so closely that it's almost depressing.
• I read 'Metroland' by Julian Barnes in three days! it was a smooth read. A frank, amusing, philosophical and entertaining narrative that helped lighten my spirits. i'm glad books like this exist to make me feel better. 

AAL IZ WELL

image source: eastwestdaily.com

Sometimes we worry too much and unnecessarily. Little bit of worrying is okay and natural, even helpful. It pushes us into action, to do something and take charge of the situation. The problem comes when you start worrying about things you can do nothing about. What i found out while i was dealing with my anxiety issues is that anxiety is nothing but an extreme form of dwelling too much on the future and not living the present moment. We need to understand that we cannot take care of everything beforehand. We can shape only some things in future and some things are out of our control, maybe just bound to happen and we have to take it as it comes. Planning is a great thing but EVERYTHING cannot be planned. Surprising, unsuspecting bitter-sweet moments is what life is all about.
While we deal with our everyday struggle and stress, it doesn't hurt at all to appreciate and enjoy small things in life. Like bright and cool early mornings, dew on leaves, washed out scene after a rain, smell of popcorn before a movie, a favourite shade of nail polish, light conversations with friends, a good hearty meal. Happiness truly lives in moments and we need to catch these moments before they pass if we want to be happy. Carpe diem: seize the day! Because essentially we are SUPPOSED to be happy.    
God has put life into us, we can feel, we can marvel at the miracle that is life, at what is out there to see. Who knows what we're missing out when we're cobbled up in our cubbyholes crying about petty issues?
Good things happen and sometimes bad things happen too. But they happen to those who have the nerve to go out there and try stuff. LIFE happens to those who don't keep hiding in their room but face their fears.

Ultimately you've got to go out there and live or die.

Are you ready to embrace life?

i know i am :)

september

THANK GOD FOR THAT

Anxiety aka Scared of being Scared

Relax.Nothing major. But these days i am sort of getting bouts of nervousness now and then for no apparent reason. It has scared me off from stepping out of home or accepting invitations for dinner or take some harmless medication because I'm too paranoid. I become short of breath in the middle of a conversation and my heart starts racing. I'm afraid of getting these symptoms which in turn makes me more anxious when i feel them which in turn makes me more anxious. It's a vicious cycle.
At one point (actually a few days ago) i thought only a psychiatrist can help me now (a consideration my parents refused to take seriously, like, "What rubbish! you are perfectly fine. Just meditate some minutes and concentrate on your studies!") But thank God! i don't feel the need to see a shrink now (thanks to this guy) my scary symptoms have subsided somewhat. But i still get really nervous when i go out :-/  It takes times like these to realise how underrated and taken-for-granted normal life is.

In the dark of night when deep dark thoughts invade the mind at its weakest .. a little voice inside inside me says that maybe i'm going insane. 
Relax. It's what i keep telling/reminding myself. Relax.

Blah

There was a seminar organised by TCS a while ago in my college. I had jotted down a few things in my notebook and forgotten all about it apparently. But i was going through the notes looking for something else when i stumbled upon this stuff (along with some mysterious looking doodles). I remember nothing of what happened that morning and this is all i have left of that presentation. 

# Get out of comfort zone

# Don't stop learning

# Keep stress at bay

# PANIC: Defy it. Defeat it.

# Take risks. 

# Filter out what you don't like. 

Bye July

i didn't realise until now that this was the last day of july. This month went by so fast. I'd been more distressed than usual this month. This month brought moments of extreme exasperation, tiredness and fuck-this-shit attitude in me. But i also had an amazing time on some rare days. I don't know.. it's been a roller coaster ride for my mood scales.
During the summer i was waiting restlessly for rains to come. i thought they'd bring freshness and breezy pitter patter that sounds almost like music. They did, except it sound really mournful. The absence of sun in the sky certainly didn't raise my spirits. The grey sky seems gloomy. I'm so ready for autumn now.

    

But today had been good. All those distressing thoughts kept at bay. In the morning i had mustered every ounce of self reproach to make me go outside and carry on my business with the world. It was hard because i just didn't want to leave my room at all, i was in such a crappy mood. But then i met up with a friend who engaged me in a conversation so entertaining that an hour passed by smoothly without me having any negative thought. From there on i was in a good mood all day :) I know, some friends are just so cool.

I just hope that August goes by blissfully and hopefully without any mood swings. 

image source: orangeandkalamansi.tumblr.com

IN AND OUT

what and why? two most dominating words weighing down my mind at moments of uncertainity.Shit like this always happens and when it does i keep coming back to these questions.

i've had a lot of phases. Well, basically only 2 phases most of the time. Phase 1: all i wanted to do was to lie in my room wishing the world beyond that door didn't exist or rather i didn't. coexistence seemed intriguing, paradoxical, and just a bit too much. Ever felt like you'd explode? yeah, well been there.Phase 2: Sort of whenever i recover from phase 1; the period of numbness when the wounds aren't as raw and i feel like i can act cool and okay with everything and i start not to sweat things too much, have a ripping time whenever i meet someone. but inevitably it all comes back. i start seeing the ghost of reasons i had chosen, believed to ignore this world. the scab gets rubbed and reels again.

An that is the story of how my life is pretty much trapped between these two shitty phases. always in out of two dark worlds... its like nothing good ever happens.
can things ever be better than this?

image from: worldofweirdthings.com

Shitload of pictures

i was out of town this week. it was a long drive to my aunt's place and on the way was beautiful view of Ratapani Forest area so i clicked away :)

Self Portrait

I have a cold so i was locked up at home all day and i had to keep myself occupied somehow so that i could forget this terrible headache i had, so i made a self portrait!

This is how i look:

And this is how i drew myself:

Ah well, 

lol :D

A Day Out in Bhopal

My eyes are stinging from all the dirt, dust and pollutants got into them and i have a headache. But as it usually go with all adventures it was worth it. Breaking up the routine and mundane, getting out and doing something with friends is 10 times more fun experience than it sounds. Compare doing these things alone and you'll be bored to death, but when you do all this with a gang of people like mine you would definitely say at the end of the day that it was worth it. these things define the difference between 'time wasted' and a 'time well spent.

• Blaze trailing the roads of Bhopal on our two-wheelers, from one end to the other.
• Bickering over where to go next
• Aquarium visit. (Yes, you read right)
• Breaking (or just thinking and speculating of breaking) into deserted misshapen looking bungalows in hope of discovering a haunted place. 
• Risking slipping on oddly shaped rocks at 100 ft high just for the sake of a 'view'.
• Never ending leg pulling.

So, even though i missed lunch to hang about and had to drive all over, i'd say it was worth it. 

Pictures soon :)

Just For The Sake Of Posting Some Random Shit On My Blog

Because i can. So, apparently,

There is a code and meaning behind the number of roses you give to someone on a bouquet. 

Here’s some examples:

• One rose: On a first date, it means love at first sight. 

• Three roses: the shared love of a couple. A traditional one month anniversary.

• Nine roses: Means we’ll be together forever.

• Twelve roses: Means “be mine!”

• Fifteen roses: “I’m sorry!”

• Twenty-four: “I’m yours!”

i didn't know this useless piece of information and so i figured that you won't either and then i just ventured forth to post this so i could waste you time. Ha! *does the evil laugh*

It's Not About the Bike

It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life by Lance Armstrong
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

i don't normally read non fiction or biographies but this was given to me by a friend over the weekend and i started it in the morning and i was finished with it by dinner time. it is emotional, human, philosophical read about a lot of things - a sincere attempt to survive, to live life 'carpe diem' way, to accept suffering as a part of life, to beat against the odds.

the first half of the book had tears welling up in my eyes after every page or two. as i said those very human moments told in first person by Lance Armstrong just get you.
it was very inspirational and i'd suggest everyone to read this book. no matter your age or what genre you prefer, this will never fail to inspire.


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I Have A Foolish Heart

this is something straight from the pages of my personal diary

"...Infatuation, attraction, feelings.. why do they even exist? Humans could function so much better without them. Intellect would've gotten priority and appearance wouldn't have existed. World could have been spared so much drama...."

" .. isn’t that what I wanted? For him to hate me so that I could get over him? I AM pretty much over him.. but there is still that dull ache in my heart whenever  I see him or think of him… if only he and his world could vanish somewhere far away from mine, I could’ve been then able to convince myself into believing that perhaps he was a figment of my imagination, he didn’t really exist.  Except that it’s not so easy..  our worlds do coincide sometimes, it’s inevitable to stumble by into each other now and then..and on such occasions it is hard to keep the heartbeat from rising, to act cool and pretend that he doesn’t exist... "

".. Oh damn you stupid heart! Don’t you know, you little innocent, naïve thing? It will lead you nowhere but into a sea of hurt, sadness, disappointment, pain and it would ache so sweetly and sadly that you won’t want to come    of it, even if it cuts you apart. That’s just the thing about love."

Okay For Now

my goodreads review

Okay for Now by Gary D. Schmidt
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

so honest, so funny and so heartbreaking.

Terrific.

This book deserves to be placed right next to the copy of 'the catcher in the rye' on my shelf. it is so good.


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what i felt while reading this book:
It is about a fourteen year old American well it doesn’t really matter. He is a boy whose fathers works in paper mills, is short tempered and quick with his hands. This boy gets beat by his brothers and his mothers gets bullied by his father. He moves to a new place called Marysville. The narrative is so honest, funny and heartbreaking. You feel some of Doug’s struggle rubbing off on you. A teenage boy trying to do what he wants, trying to steal moments in pictures and errands despite all the bad, crappy things he has to go through. It is not inspirational but how can it fail to inspire? It did give me a push. About the fact that I’m not the only one who’s got life on the rough side. Good things CAN filter though all the obstacles and shine on you. If you just let it.

The Fine Art of Truth or Dare

The Fine Art of Truth or Dare by Melissa Jensen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

"Pleasures are fears, conquered."

"You don’t forget the mean stuff, even when the mean stuff ends."

"Dangerous. Absolutely. But as far as bravery and joy went, it was pretty amazing."

"We keep the walls between us as we go (Robert Frost, mending walls)"

"I'll take dead over dumb."

" 'Is everything about the money?' 'I rather think so. And passion, occasionally.' "

"We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand."

"Ah, darling ella, the artists muse is Ego. Nothing more."

"Love is one of the two things worth dying for. i have yet to decide on the second."

"Who he fears to suffer, he already suffers what he fears."

"Sometimes no matter how many eyelashes or dandelion seeds you blow, no matter how much of your heart you tear out and slap on your sleeve, it just ain't gonna happen."

"Tomorrow comes, tomorrow brings. tomorrow brings love, in the shape of things."

and the mind blowing opening line of the novel

"Truth: People who rely on the first sight are lazy or deluded."

what else can i say.. it was amazing! i sighed a lot while reading this. and of course i sighed when it ended too.


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Parallel Paths

I had written this a few months back but i forgot to post it...

"We started out the same spot, same way, same direction. We had some great destinations in our mind. We trudged along, we flew, we ran. we didn’t realize when the paths became two from one. But that was nothing right? We were still on parallel paths, we could see each other and wave and all.What went wrong? you ended up in a different world and me, my path led me to wilderness where every path is lost. at instances when i worked my way out to a straight road, our ways did cross… you were having completely different experiences. and i was hopping on from one kind of emptiness to another….."

So from now on..

..

sometimes i wish i didn''t exist

why and how it happens that even after having a normal day with friends and family one can feel so desolate, empty and hollow as fuck when ones goes to bed at night and a string of sleepless nightmares begins?

everything, everything that was supposed to be kept at bay, resurfaces back breaking all guards and shields, every bitch ass bad memory, every fucking insecurity, every motherfucker who did you wrong.... why should it swim inside the head making you feel so helpless and weak when all you want is blissful sleep and look back on life as a blessing?

WHY

Thriller month

March indeed was one. i read two amazing thrillers, i completed watching Sherlock series, and i was absolutely thrilled when i did river rafting in Ganga. i met amazing people on that trip. speaking of thrills and chills, exchanging ghost stories in the middle of the night and cliff jumping couldn't be left out either. so, all in all, march brought me great experiences.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
it was, without a doubt, the best psychological thriller i have ever read. it has a strong female character, a dangerous psycho villain, even more dangerous - psycho criminal psychiatrist who himself is a criminal, an asshole official bottleneck who thinks he is very smart, a diligent experienced officer who believes in our heroine no matter what.... and a nail biting, mind rattling plot. what else can one ask for in a thriller!!

krishnamoorthy.com

tip: i read this playing florence and the machine's 'Halo' in the background. it gave me the 'feel'. ;)

my goodreads review:


The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

it scared me. Scared me enough to back to reading 4-5 chick-lit titles before i pick up any other crime thriller again.
Dr Hannibal Lecter is one of the most fascinating character i've ever read. Clarice Starling - brave and inspirational in a way. one can look up to her not to sweat in a tight situation, to retain possession and control of faculties and use them best.
it was really really good.


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THE SECRET HISTORY 

chucksmiscellany.blogspot.com

i don't know if i can put this into the genre of 'thriller' but it did give me chills. sometimes. otherwise its a casually written horror story.if we exclude the greek rituals, blackmail, murder, drugs, incest, mystery etc it's quite a nice campus novel :)

SHERLOCK

ah, where do i even begin!! i was excited and hooked since the very beginning to the very end. the same gripping magic and charm of sherlock holmes and his ingenious methods, lestrades confusion, watson's friendship and loyalty, mrs hudson's care, the setting/backdrop of London and mind boggling mysteries/crimes followed by the superb adventure that unfolds in the wake of danger and risk. all in the new mix of modern world! what an awesome thrilling experience. i can't wait for season 3!!

RIVER RAFTING EXPERIENCE
16 km of river rafting in Ganga river in rishikesh.An  Amazing experience with amazing friends. i'll post the pics soon :) the thrill and excitement of floating in the gigantic river when i don't even know how to swim, and shivering like a madman afterwards: unforgettable.

when people brag in front of me

About me

i was just reading what this section on the right hand side. whoa. boy, it really needs an edit. i had written it about 2 years ago. some of the things in there don't define me anymore. things have changed or i would say, I've grown up in some ways. my first impulse on reading this 'about me' was to scratch everything out write a big AWKWARD on top of it, in red. but that impulse lasted about 2 seconds.
i don't feel that i am as fragile and vulnerable as i was before. i am definitely not in a 'well of depression' nor i was when i wrote it. it was a difficult time in my life, it hard to cope up with life and i was just really, really sad. but that time has passed and now I've learnt not to expect a lot from life and to do everything with a bucket-full of hope and everything turns out alright. in the end. if it doesn't, i just keep waiting for the end.
i don't feel that i am 'ambitious pursuer' anymore either. i try to do my best in things and enjoy doing it while it lasts.
i am 'a compassionate friend' but i don't often tell my friends or show them how much they actually matter to me. i'm awkward that way but i am there by the side of people who are true and mean well.
the rest is slightly off the mark but still true. it reminds me of what i thought of myself back then. they are very small facets of my personality, the rest of the million small things: my flaws, insecurities, strengths, abilities, manners, habits, passions, the things that are still a mystery to me, they are stitched together by good intentions to make me.
for all we know, i'm just an awkward, quiet girl who dreams the impossible dreams, loves to write and also happens to be the biggest procrastinator in the world.

have you eaten silver lately?

how cool is this shit! edible pray paint in metallic colors....this is the best way to troll guests at this Holi. (lol, jk).
 

source: http://www.the-deli-garage.com/FOOD-FINISH_detail_16.html

And yeah

in the middle of the night

the sleep doesn't always come as silently and softly as it should.
some nights the brain just refuses to relax.
it just decides to play over the bad memories and throws in scenarios of fresh fears...
wondering, storming, just making a mess very hard to solve. what if ... what if.... the wrongs.. the guilt... what if everything in the life from here will keep getting on worse? what if i'm lost forever?
it's like a gasp never leaving the body but its curb is building a lethal pressure inside. the expression that could define these feelings would be like a lifesaver 'cause the mind is exploding. the unease, the squirm, what are they doing to me? where would it end.. .. if it would?

balanceandcombrosure.tumblr.com

work

 

Being in last second and last third of semester sucks for an engineering student. Caught between the uncertainties of pursuing further studies, or getting a job, having to study harder to make up for all those f---ed up semesters and trying to get the most out of college days takes a toll. When i started college i thought i would be able to have a clear idea of what i would want to do rest of my life by the time i reach the final years. But now, i'm not so sure. i am at a crossroads from where every path seems to lead to an unknown future. The only thing that i can be sure of is that i would know if i'm going to enjoy doing something or not. h That sounds so easy, doesn't it? find what you love and do it!. sigh. If only things were that easy. Well, i'm just an inspiration away. Right now the best advice i can give to myself is this.

happy remaining-college-days !!

If you were looking for a sign THIS IS IT

Go live your life the way you want to.

The Holstee Manifesto Lifecycle Video from Holstee on Vimeo.

Sultry Days

Sultry Days by Shobha Dé
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

i'd give it 2.5/5 stars.
it seemed quite an interesting read in the starting. God (which was a nickname for Deb) was a character that amazed me and gripped me in the start, but as the story progresses this character gets lost somewhere in less interesting and more repulsing characters and eventually becomes one of them.
it goes splendidly till the first four chapters but after that i just dragged myself in hope to experience that 'thing' which had gripped me in the starting. i was disappointed.


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The Marriage Plot

The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Though it ended abruptly, i enjoyed it thoroughly. The writing is engaging and the details never seem to be ‘too much’. It is no thrill but it is a page turner. The interesting turn of events that take place in lives of 3 Brown University Graduates are narrated as if the author knew exactly where to drop the story and take up another line and then exactly where to pick it up again. It sounds befuddling but one has to read the book to know.


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