So from now on..

..

sometimes i wish i didn''t exist

why and how it happens that even after having a normal day with friends and family one can feel so desolate, empty and hollow as fuck when ones goes to bed at night and a string of sleepless nightmares begins?

everything, everything that was supposed to be kept at bay, resurfaces back breaking all guards and shields, every bitch ass bad memory, every fucking insecurity, every motherfucker who did you wrong.... why should it swim inside the head making you feel so helpless and weak when all you want is blissful sleep and look back on life as a blessing?

WHY

Thriller month

March indeed was one. i read two amazing thrillers, i completed watching Sherlock series, and i was absolutely thrilled when i did river rafting in Ganga. i met amazing people on that trip. speaking of thrills and chills, exchanging ghost stories in the middle of the night and cliff jumping couldn't be left out either. so, all in all, march brought me great experiences.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
it was, without a doubt, the best psychological thriller i have ever read. it has a strong female character, a dangerous psycho villain, even more dangerous - psycho criminal psychiatrist who himself is a criminal, an asshole official bottleneck who thinks he is very smart, a diligent experienced officer who believes in our heroine no matter what.... and a nail biting, mind rattling plot. what else can one ask for in a thriller!!

krishnamoorthy.com

tip: i read this playing florence and the machine's 'Halo' in the background. it gave me the 'feel'. ;)

my goodreads review:


The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

it scared me. Scared me enough to back to reading 4-5 chick-lit titles before i pick up any other crime thriller again.
Dr Hannibal Lecter is one of the most fascinating character i've ever read. Clarice Starling - brave and inspirational in a way. one can look up to her not to sweat in a tight situation, to retain possession and control of faculties and use them best.
it was really really good.


View all my reviews

THE SECRET HISTORY 

chucksmiscellany.blogspot.com

i don't know if i can put this into the genre of 'thriller' but it did give me chills. sometimes. otherwise its a casually written horror story.if we exclude the greek rituals, blackmail, murder, drugs, incest, mystery etc it's quite a nice campus novel :)

SHERLOCK

ah, where do i even begin!! i was excited and hooked since the very beginning to the very end. the same gripping magic and charm of sherlock holmes and his ingenious methods, lestrades confusion, watson's friendship and loyalty, mrs hudson's care, the setting/backdrop of London and mind boggling mysteries/crimes followed by the superb adventure that unfolds in the wake of danger and risk. all in the new mix of modern world! what an awesome thrilling experience. i can't wait for season 3!!

RIVER RAFTING EXPERIENCE
16 km of river rafting in Ganga river in rishikesh.An  Amazing experience with amazing friends. i'll post the pics soon :) the thrill and excitement of floating in the gigantic river when i don't even know how to swim, and shivering like a madman afterwards: unforgettable.

when people brag in front of me

About me

i was just reading what this section on the right hand side. whoa. boy, it really needs an edit. i had written it about 2 years ago. some of the things in there don't define me anymore. things have changed or i would say, I've grown up in some ways. my first impulse on reading this 'about me' was to scratch everything out write a big AWKWARD on top of it, in red. but that impulse lasted about 2 seconds.
i don't feel that i am as fragile and vulnerable as i was before. i am definitely not in a 'well of depression' nor i was when i wrote it. it was a difficult time in my life, it hard to cope up with life and i was just really, really sad. but that time has passed and now I've learnt not to expect a lot from life and to do everything with a bucket-full of hope and everything turns out alright. in the end. if it doesn't, i just keep waiting for the end.
i don't feel that i am 'ambitious pursuer' anymore either. i try to do my best in things and enjoy doing it while it lasts.
i am 'a compassionate friend' but i don't often tell my friends or show them how much they actually matter to me. i'm awkward that way but i am there by the side of people who are true and mean well.
the rest is slightly off the mark but still true. it reminds me of what i thought of myself back then. they are very small facets of my personality, the rest of the million small things: my flaws, insecurities, strengths, abilities, manners, habits, passions, the things that are still a mystery to me, they are stitched together by good intentions to make me.
for all we know, i'm just an awkward, quiet girl who dreams the impossible dreams, loves to write and also happens to be the biggest procrastinator in the world.

have you eaten silver lately?

how cool is this shit! edible pray paint in metallic colors....this is the best way to troll guests at this Holi. (lol, jk).
 

source: http://www.the-deli-garage.com/FOOD-FINISH_detail_16.html

And yeah

in the middle of the night

the sleep doesn't always come as silently and softly as it should.
some nights the brain just refuses to relax.
it just decides to play over the bad memories and throws in scenarios of fresh fears...
wondering, storming, just making a mess very hard to solve. what if ... what if.... the wrongs.. the guilt... what if everything in the life from here will keep getting on worse? what if i'm lost forever?
it's like a gasp never leaving the body but its curb is building a lethal pressure inside. the expression that could define these feelings would be like a lifesaver 'cause the mind is exploding. the unease, the squirm, what are they doing to me? where would it end.. .. if it would?

balanceandcombrosure.tumblr.com