life and times and blah

Almost half of 2015 has gone already, god knows where i've been! oh yeah, in my cubicle on weekdays and lazing around or shopping on weekends.

it's like being in a time capsule that has taken me to a future date making me fatter and older in the process.

Honestly, growing up sucks.  All my life my decisions were taken for me by my parents. Even in college i let them do that not knowing that i can actually take charge of my life and whatever happens is going to affect me in the end.

And now that i know, through living independently for around a year and a half that now my life is my responsibility, decision making has become even more difficult.

And for a person like me, who's had a bout of anxiety before, this loop of 'what-if's is a whirlpool madness best avoided.

So what do i do?

solution 1: put your problems in a bundle and put it away to deal with it later at the back of your mind. then ignore it until it goes away.

solution 2: Acknowledge everything, try your best to take care of things (this involves dealing with people). Solves the problem but at the end of the day i feel pathetic. (Because people can disappoint you too).

solution 3: the best way. i'm yet to think of it though.

And this year i'm also way behind my reading.... Seriously, where is all the time in the world going?!

Woes of online shopping

it's too easy and its too convenient. that's it. that's the biggest woe of online shopping.
one doesn't even realise when and how why and ends up spending thousands in it.
i had always thought of myself as being the 'in-control' sort of person where matters of spending were concerned. but i've had a few guilty splurges and i think soon i'll have to change the description as:
'hi, i'm Ankita Gour and i'm a shopaholic.'

 no, its terrible. i cant let it happen.

strict times need strict measures. i'm not even going to look anyplace that mentions a discount. discounts are the worst traps.
Also, i'm going to make a list of the things i NEED, and not look over to anything else no matter how much discount it is on.

Anxiety aka Scared of being Scared

Relax.Nothing major. But these days i am sort of getting bouts of nervousness now and then for no apparent reason. It has scared me off from stepping out of home or accepting invitations for dinner or take some harmless medication because I'm too paranoid. I become short of breath in the middle of a conversation and my heart starts racing. I'm afraid of getting these symptoms which in turn makes me more anxious when i feel them which in turn makes me more anxious. It's a vicious cycle.
At one point (actually a few days ago) i thought only a psychiatrist can help me now (a consideration my parents refused to take seriously, like, "What rubbish! you are perfectly fine. Just meditate some minutes and concentrate on your studies!") But thank God! i don't feel the need to see a shrink now (thanks to this guy) my scary symptoms have subsided somewhat. But i still get really nervous when i go out :-/  It takes times like these to realise how underrated and taken-for-granted normal life is.

In the dark of night when deep dark thoughts invade the mind at its weakest .. a little voice inside inside me says that maybe i'm going insane. 
Relax. It's what i keep telling/reminding myself. Relax.