life and times and blah

Almost half of 2015 has gone already, god knows where i've been! oh yeah, in my cubicle on weekdays and lazing around or shopping on weekends.

it's like being in a time capsule that has taken me to a future date making me fatter and older in the process.

Honestly, growing up sucks.  All my life my decisions were taken for me by my parents. Even in college i let them do that not knowing that i can actually take charge of my life and whatever happens is going to affect me in the end.

And now that i know, through living independently for around a year and a half that now my life is my responsibility, decision making has become even more difficult.

And for a person like me, who's had a bout of anxiety before, this loop of 'what-if's is a whirlpool madness best avoided.

So what do i do?

solution 1: put your problems in a bundle and put it away to deal with it later at the back of your mind. then ignore it until it goes away.

solution 2: Acknowledge everything, try your best to take care of things (this involves dealing with people). Solves the problem but at the end of the day i feel pathetic. (Because people can disappoint you too).

solution 3: the best way. i'm yet to think of it though.

And this year i'm also way behind my reading.... Seriously, where is all the time in the world going?!

Weekend appreciation post

Never do we realize the importance and value of weekends until we start working 9 to 6 ourselves. and never do we miss the weekends as much as we do on a weeknight. when after a tiring (and most probably irritating) day at work we come home to get rid of the heaviness in our heads, to relax and forget the deadlines to be chased, challenges to be met, only for a few hours so that we could get a peaceful night's sleep.

Today i fell asleep on the bus on my way back from work. i was the last one to get off, one stop farther away from mine so i had to walk back. While i was walking i could only think of two things - how thirsty i was (i'd forgotten my water bottle at the office too) and how desperate i was to fall into the comforts of my bed.
Fall into my bed i did, closed my eyes and wished for the world to stop still for a moment. When i finally mustered the energy to get up i realized that the moment had lasted for half and hour and the world hadn't stopped at all.
After i got myself fed and watered and all, i took up my usual - caught up on my reading, surfing the web for interesting articles and just when i was getting into real mood (y'know.. music blasting in my earphones and looking up book reviews to add more books on my shelf when i'm already behind in my to-read pile, and snacking on various sorts of unhealthy salty snacks etc), a voice in the back of my mind was going on and on about if i don't go to sleep right now - i'll be late to work in the morning and again i'll sleep on the bus on my way back. And then i knew i just had to make a post about how it sucks not to be a weekend how i miss the weekend. ALL THE TIME. EVERY WEEKNIGHT.

Locked out

I know many a people who faced incidents like being locked out of the house or leaving keys in the car etc. i know that feeling. it's maddening. Once, i locked my keys by mistake in my scooty. i had whacked my head several times on that occasion. But even then i had a solution at hand: my backup key at home!

Now the situation i'm facing is ridiculous and sapping-my-spirits kind of despairing. i am somehow locked out of my social networks.

i've been able to access gmail and this blog after a lot of hardwork and brain wracking. but facebook, twitter, tumblr: i just can't access the sites that are the reason for me to use internet. With final exams at hand i can't even give time to the problem. And yeah, exams pose a whole different problem together. I used to think Optical fiber communications was an easy subject. what a fool i was. 

I have so many problems AND I CAN'T EVEN RANT ABOUT IT ON TWITTER!!!

i should go lie down now.

IN AND OUT

what and why? two most dominating words weighing down my mind at moments of uncertainity.Shit like this always happens and when it does i keep coming back to these questions.

i've had a lot of phases. Well, basically only 2 phases most of the time. Phase 1: all i wanted to do was to lie in my room wishing the world beyond that door didn't exist or rather i didn't. coexistence seemed intriguing, paradoxical, and just a bit too much. Ever felt like you'd explode? yeah, well been there.Phase 2: Sort of whenever i recover from phase 1; the period of numbness when the wounds aren't as raw and i feel like i can act cool and okay with everything and i start not to sweat things too much, have a ripping time whenever i meet someone. but inevitably it all comes back. i start seeing the ghost of reasons i had chosen, believed to ignore this world. the scab gets rubbed and reels again.

An that is the story of how my life is pretty much trapped between these two shitty phases. always in out of two dark worlds... its like nothing good ever happens.
can things ever be better than this?

image from: worldofweirdthings.com

I Have A Foolish Heart

this is something straight from the pages of my personal diary

"...Infatuation, attraction, feelings.. why do they even exist? Humans could function so much better without them. Intellect would've gotten priority and appearance wouldn't have existed. World could have been spared so much drama...."

" .. isn’t that what I wanted? For him to hate me so that I could get over him? I AM pretty much over him.. but there is still that dull ache in my heart whenever  I see him or think of him… if only he and his world could vanish somewhere far away from mine, I could’ve been then able to convince myself into believing that perhaps he was a figment of my imagination, he didn’t really exist.  Except that it’s not so easy..  our worlds do coincide sometimes, it’s inevitable to stumble by into each other now and then..and on such occasions it is hard to keep the heartbeat from rising, to act cool and pretend that he doesn’t exist... "

".. Oh damn you stupid heart! Don’t you know, you little innocent, naïve thing? It will lead you nowhere but into a sea of hurt, sadness, disappointment, pain and it would ache so sweetly and sadly that you won’t want to come    of it, even if it cuts you apart. That’s just the thing about love."

sometimes i wish i didn''t exist

why and how it happens that even after having a normal day with friends and family one can feel so desolate, empty and hollow as fuck when ones goes to bed at night and a string of sleepless nightmares begins?

everything, everything that was supposed to be kept at bay, resurfaces back breaking all guards and shields, every bitch ass bad memory, every fucking insecurity, every motherfucker who did you wrong.... why should it swim inside the head making you feel so helpless and weak when all you want is blissful sleep and look back on life as a blessing?

WHY

About me

i was just reading what this section on the right hand side. whoa. boy, it really needs an edit. i had written it about 2 years ago. some of the things in there don't define me anymore. things have changed or i would say, I've grown up in some ways. my first impulse on reading this 'about me' was to scratch everything out write a big AWKWARD on top of it, in red. but that impulse lasted about 2 seconds.
i don't feel that i am as fragile and vulnerable as i was before. i am definitely not in a 'well of depression' nor i was when i wrote it. it was a difficult time in my life, it hard to cope up with life and i was just really, really sad. but that time has passed and now I've learnt not to expect a lot from life and to do everything with a bucket-full of hope and everything turns out alright. in the end. if it doesn't, i just keep waiting for the end.
i don't feel that i am 'ambitious pursuer' anymore either. i try to do my best in things and enjoy doing it while it lasts.
i am 'a compassionate friend' but i don't often tell my friends or show them how much they actually matter to me. i'm awkward that way but i am there by the side of people who are true and mean well.
the rest is slightly off the mark but still true. it reminds me of what i thought of myself back then. they are very small facets of my personality, the rest of the million small things: my flaws, insecurities, strengths, abilities, manners, habits, passions, the things that are still a mystery to me, they are stitched together by good intentions to make me.
for all we know, i'm just an awkward, quiet girl who dreams the impossible dreams, loves to write and also happens to be the biggest procrastinator in the world.